When you’ve lost someone, life becomes a series of reminders.

That’s pretty much how I would sum up life right now: one reminder after another that my mom and Christina are gone. If it’s not the Mother’s Day commercials, it’s the trailers for movies about best friends. If it’s not a birthday, it’s a holiday. Just about every song reminds me of one of them, either because it’s about loss, or just because it came out around the time one of them passed. I automatically categorize every single song I hear into “this came out before mommy/Christina passed” or “this came out after.”

It feels as if there is constantly a day coming that I am dreading. I just got through my mom’s birthday and Christina’s memorial service, and now I feel like I’m being bombarded by Mother’s Day advertisements. In only a couple of weeks, all of my friends are going to be celebrating with their moms and instead, I’ll be spending another year missing mine. They’ll be complaining about having to buy gifts and go out to brunch, and I’ll be envying them all. I wish I was still able to go out shopping for her, whining the whole time about how difficult she is to shop for since she always bought herself everything she wanted. I would give anything to struggle to pick a gift for her.

Last year was my first Mother’s Day without her, and I opted to stay home instead of go over to my in-laws’ with my husband. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to celebrate with his mom and my sister-in-law, it was just too much of a reminder that my own my mother was gone. After he left, I pulled out my iPod and went through the pictures of her. I stopped at one in particular and just cried until I couldn’t breathe, telling her out loud how much I loved and missed her. I cleaned myself up and went to visit my dad. I tried not to cry, I tried to keep it together, but when he asked why I wasn’t with my husband, I exploded into tears and hysteria.

Part of me hopes that it will get easier like everyone says it will. The other part of me hopes that I’m never that far removed from the pain to not miss her that intensely. I don’t ever want to be indifferent to it. I feel like it’s a fine line between accepting the grief and wallowing in it. Some days I strike a better balance than others, but the Big Days, the Special Days are always exceptionally stressful.

I’ve decided to open up my blog again. The blogs I most enjoy reading are the honest, raw ones. The ones whose authors put themselves and their emotions out there for others to read. Those are the ones that help me the most, by letting me see that other people are going through the same thing I am. Maybe someone will stumble upon my blog and realize they’re not alone by reading my struggles with my mom’s and best friend’s deaths.


Further evidence that I am really a 5-year-old

As if my affinity for boy bands, small animals, and all things Disney wasn’t proof enough, I outdid myself the other day.

I went to the municipal building on Tuesday at lunch in order to drop off my property tax payment. That sounds like a really adult thing to do, right? I mean, an insultingly large check to pay the property taxes on the house I own? Totally grown up stuff.

I was walking up the steps outside, the steps that face onto the major street with tons of cars and pedestrians passing by, and I remember specifically telling myself to concentrate so that I wouldn’t trip and embarrass myself. And what happened? I tripped. But I didn’t just trip and keep going, like I meant to do it. I tripped and then BAM was on the ground on my hands and knees. It took a second, but then I shot back up and kept right on going because really, who trips walking up the stairs?

When I got into the tax office, I told the nice lady that I was there to make a payment and I pulled out my checkbook. My Winnie the Pooh checkbook. As I was filling out the check, I realized that I had somehow managed to scrawl all over my left hand with the pen. I glanced up to make sure that the woman didn’t notice, and sure enough, she was staring at me with a look of both pity and confusion. I handed over the money, took and receipt, and I swear I heard her giggle as I walked out.

Cake on a Stick!

I’ve been wanting to try making cake pops for awhile now, and after looking at Bakerella’s site the other night I knew I had to give it a shot. Her adorable sheep pops are what really pushed me over the edge, but I figured I would start small and just try making some plain ones. If I could handle that, then I’ll work my way up to cute farm animals.

I went to AC Moore yesterday in search of candy wafers, lollipop sticks, a block of styrofoam, and sprinkles. I haven’t been in that place in forever, so I was super impressed by the TWO aisles of cake making supplies they have now. There were SO SO many things I wanted to buy, but I stopped myself since the few things I actually needed ended up costing me $42.00. I splurged and bought this one jar of pink pearl sprinkles that was like $4.99, but they were too pretty not to own. I also grabbed a cake pan while I was there since the only one I had was a small square one.

Then I went to Target to buy a new mixer – I really want a KitchenAid stand mixer, but since they’re like $300.00, I opted for a regular old hand one instead. I also got two boxes of Funfetti cake and icing, more sprinkles, and a ton of non-cake pop related stuff that we needed.

Apparently I need to practice holding the camera steady so I don’t get such blurry shots.

After unpacking everything at home, I got to work making the cake and setting up my supplies. Once the cake was done and cooled, I ripped it up into chunks and threw it in a large bowl along with about 3/4 of the container of icing. Edwin helped me mush it all together and then we rolled out little balls of cakey goodness, put them on a cookie sheet, and threw them in the fridge to cool for a few minutes.

I was seriously tempted to just grab the giant spoon and shovel this into my face.

Once they seemed a little stronger, we pulled them out and set to work putting the sticks in there. I microwaved some of the white wafers and we dipped the sticks in the melted candy and then pushed them into each cake ball. After we put the sticks in, we put the whole tray back in the fridge so that candy would harden. Looking back, we realized we should have (1) used the entire can of icing, (2) left the cake balls in the fridge for longer, (3) poked a hole in each ball first, then filled it with melted candy then put the stick in. If we had done all that, I don’t think they would have crumbled/fallen off the stick/broke apart into a million pieces.

I microwaved each of the wafers in a separate bowl, at 30 second intervals, stirring between each round. We took the pops out of the fridge and began dipping them in the melted candy, coating them in that and them rolling them in sprinkles. This took WAY longer than I expected, because (1) we had to put them back in the fridge because they weren’t solid enough, (2) it takes forever to get the excess melted candy off the pop, (3) the melted candy starts to solidify after awhile.

They’re not necessarily the prettiest or the most professional looking, but overall I think they came out really cute. Now I know what NOT to do next time, so I think they’ll be even better when I attempt this again. I want to try it with chocolate cake and peanut butter wafers. Nomnomnom.

A little forest of deliciousness.

WW Goal #1: Achieved!


The first goal I set for myself was to get under 150 pounds, and today I did that! I was so excited when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw that I was just under. Honestly, I don’t know how I did it because I still eat horribly. We get Chinese take out every Friday night and we have pizza every Sunday. This past Saturday we went to the dine in theater to see The Hunger Games (awesomeness) and I had Thai shrimp tacos and tortilla chips. I have done zero exercising.

I’ve been drinking tons of tea. I bought some Lipton green tea with lemon and honey the other day and it’s amazing. I’ve gotten bored with plain water, so this is helping me to keep my liquid intake high. I finished the case of Diet Coke that was in the fridge and I plan on not buying any more. We’ll see how long that lasts.